Dian Ping Che Ri Ji (Electric Scooter Diaries)

It’s getting cold in Shanghai. It’s so cold that I’m going to have to retire the Dian Ping Che for the winter because it’s way to cold to ride in this weather. I would like to conclude my Dian Ping Che Diary with some of images that I took while riding around Shanghai.

Drive by Shanghai Style

Yesterday I was cruising along on my little scooter when this dude and his girlfriend on and LPG scooter (an LPG scooter is a propane powered ride so it’s a lot faster than my little electric number) rolls up on my left and launches this big fat snot rocket. This big fat lugie just misses me and nails my left fender. I’m like….”what the F-*K!!! But I was so shaken by this that I was frozen for a second. When I finally realized what this jerk off just did, my instincts from the old neighborhood kicked in (LA drive by Shanghai style).

He was about 25 feet ahead of me and pulling away because my “dian ping che” can only go so fast. Anyway, I put the throttle as far back as I could and let Darling Delilah do her thing. I started weaving in and out of bikes and little old ladies chasing this dude. I knew I couldn’t catch him on pure speed but I thought I might have the chance to nail him a stop light.

Up ahead the light turns red and I’m like great…..I got you now sucker! So I start working on a nice one. I pull from the depths of my diaphragm. I pull so hard that it rattles my tongue as I create a vacuum in my esophagus that pulls up this nice juicy mound of yellow/green mucous that mixes nice with my coffee infused saliva. It’s so ripe that my salivary glands start to water.

As I approach him I have this huge smile on my face thinking about the satisfaction I’m going to get by painting the side of his scooter with this wonderful concoction of saliva, mucous and probably some stuff left over from the dumplings I had the night before.

I slowly move in for the kill then right before I’m about to let it fly, he bolts! What! The damn light is still red! Damn you! Now what I do with lump of goo in my mouth? Do I swallow it or chase in down with it swishing around.

I finally decide to waste it and spit it out. Man, that sucks, that was a good one. I lay down the throttle again and the race is on once again. We get caught up in a jam in an intersection and in this mess I somehow end up in front of him. After we leave the intersection we both end up on a straight away and although I can’t see him I can hear him. Unlike my electric scooter which is dead silent, LPG’s make a lot of noise. The sound of his particular scooter was now burned into my subconscious.

He was to my left but a little ways back. I could hear and feel it. I started working on hocking up my second lugie. This time I channeled the frustration of my first loss into this one and pulled up an even nicer one. Along will all the goodies of the first one I think I conjured up some extra particulate matter like nose hairs in this little gem.

I throttled down so he would catch up to me. I could hear the high pitched whining of his LPG and the annoying sounding of his girlfriend yapping incessantly on her cell phone coming ever so close. Closer…closer…closer… I turn left…THWOOP…I let it fly…SPPPLATTT!!! Bullseye…right on the leg!!!! ….Oh shit!....I nailed the wrong guy!

Right before I turned to spit, some old dude on a bicycle came between me and my lugie nemesis! I heard the old dude scream….AYIIIEEE!!! As soon as I realized what happened I banked right into an alley and took off.

I felt terrible but somehow all the anxiety and anger that I had towards that dude was gone. I think I left it on some old dudes pant leg and shoe.

Out there in streets of Shanghai there’s an old dude on a rusty bike with goop dripping off his right pant leg cruising around looking for retribution.

Uber Capitalists

I thought I lived and worked in a Communist Country yet here is a 45 foot “fake” Christmas tree that is being erected in front of our office in Shanghai Times Square. The US was founded on two polarized ideologies that create an amazing balance: Religiosity and Capitalism. The Christmas tree is the epitome of the symbolic manifestation of both of these paradigms. Yet here it is standing tall and proud in all it’s majestic glory smack dab in the middle of Communist China and in Shanghai’s high rent district. In fact, Christmas decorations in Shanghai started going up the moment the first leaf of autumn hit the ground at the end of October. And it’s not just a tree or wreath here of there, it’s huge over the top gaudy decorations on steroids.

There’s this mall by our apartment that is ridiculous. The whole front of the shopping mall is a Winter Wonderland Gateway with the main stairway entry that is about 40 wide and about 30 steps up painted with dancing reindeer and snowmen. There’s bells, snowflakes and shit hanging all over the place. As I walk through (this is the case in any mall or shopping area now), no one speaks a lick of English but you have George Michael’s “Last Christmas” or Bing Crosby’s “Little Drummer Boy” blasting over the intercom system. Like I said it’s ridiculous.

The Chinese are confused. Many are caught between the two worlds of Egalitarianism and Uber Consumerism so I’ve been spending a lot of time talking to my of my co-workers about this just to get a sense of what they think. Most of them have no idea what all this mean and simple say “well it’s a big Western shopping holiday”. Personally, after living here and seeing how materialistic and how obsessed everyone is with money, I think the Communist Party should stop kidding themselves and just embrace Capitalism. In fact there's a joke that the Shanghainese say about themselves and it goes: "a man is considered a pervert if he loves women over money". If the Party just accepts the people's wishes at least there would be some Intellectual honestly in all this misunderstood decadence.

Gen En Kuai Le [Happy Thanksgiving]

I wrote this last year when we had our first Thanksgiving abroad. It still applys....


Dear Family and Friends:

This year Christina & I have found ourselves in the unique position of observing the Thanksgiving Holiday in Shanghai China. Celebrating a tradition that is uniquely American in a country that has no real ‘connection” to the Western holiday season has given us a new appreciation for the spirit of this holiday. Right after Halloween, advertising switches gears from ghosts and goblins to images of fall cornucopias, football and gap holiday ads. The air is clean and crisp and The malls are filled with white holiday lights and the spicy scent of cinnamon and holly. The air is electric with the anticipation of the holiday season.

Today, while the air is brisk it is not so clean nor is it crisp. In lieu of scents of the holiday season, the aroma of freshly fired dumplings and diesel fuel waft through the streets and alleyways. Conversations about where you are going to celebrate the long weekend and with whom are going to watch football games with are replaced with “are you working this weekend” and did “Real Madrid win last night?”. There is however one saving grace. Other Americans. Other Americans working along side of us going through the same thing. Nostalgic for all that defines this time of year. Family and friends. A simple gesture like asking us what we are doing today for lunch and where can we get a decent Turkey sandwich in this town becomes a beautiful sound. Not that a turkey lunch or dinner defines the holiday but rather the Turkey meal becomes a manifestation of all that links you back home. A sight and taste that links you back to family, friends and familiar surroundings.

This year we both have a greater appreciation for all that we have and all that we’ve done. We are both very Thankful for all of you: Family & friends new and old. Living abroad has given us the opportunity to be grateful for all the wonderful and beautiful people in our lives that are so far away but always close to our hearts. It has also given us the opportunity to be grateful to be citizens of a brave and beautiful country. The freedoms and wealth that we have are sometimes forgotten when we are not constantly reminded by those that have less. China has been a catalyst reminding us of our fortunate lives.

We miss you all and love you all….Happy Thanksgiving

With Love,

Vic & Christina

A Delicate Sense of History -“Scooting” to Enlightenment

Most of us go through this phase of trying to figure out who we are where we are and where we are going. I was told by Mr. Diconti, my 10 grade English teacher that if we could answer those questions we would have a philosophy of our own in which to filter the world. Well being here I’m not so much trying to find out who I am but rather trying to find out who they are. I mean I think I know me and I thought that I was opened minded, but then why can’t I just accept my surroundings as they are. I mean when I’m getting pushed, shoved, yelled at and constantly profiled should just deal with it? It’s their country not mine…right?

Well, I had a break through. It’s been a little over a year but the catalyst to my epiphany was on my little electric scooter. Riding this thing day in and day out I’ve become pretty good at dodging old ladies, rusted bikes with Styrofoam piled high, erratic taxi drivers and huge buses with drivers that are clueless. You know what, there is a method to the madness and I think I’ve figured it out. There are so many elements to the madness that I’m only going to deal with one, which is this Shanghainese concept of spatial relationship. Lesson one: There is none, space I mean! So as a person that optimally functions with a 3 foot radius are him, I have to learn to function with no space. If I can get over that (which I think I have) I think I get it!

Watching cars, buses, pedestrians, bikes and anything else that has moves navigate itself in Shanghai is like watching a ton of marbles being dumped into a maze. Anyway if you tilt that maze the marbles will arrange themselves in the most optimal position to get through a small opening to the next adjacent space. Now imagine a bigger maze and throw in larger rubber balls and even larger soccer balls. As you shift the maze in different directions the balls always go to their optimal position. The only criteria for this all to work are that two or more elements make contact and one gives way.

Now imagine a much bigger maze and throw in buses, cars, scooters, etc.. you see where I’m going with this… once I gave up my 3 foot radius and realized that it’s OK to “bump” someone, a whole new world opened up. I finally understood the ebb and flow of shanghai. Communism and lack of open area has given the 85 lbs old grandma, the 200 lbs electric scooter and the 20 ton bus the same right of way and who ever gets there first simply has to hold their line. If bumped, give way because when you bumped someone else they’ll give way. In some sick convoluted fashion it all works!!

All I had to do to find this out was to “scoot” to enlightenment.

Do you really have to YELL?

Nico, our poor Chinese language teacher is always getting bombarded by knuckle head questions from us Lao Wais (foreigners). Especially now that our rag tag group has instituted beer drinking during class time. This week the question was why the hell do Chinese people speak so load especially on their cell phones. I mean literally it’s like they are always yelling into the phone.

Then there are the business meetings. Here the “yelling” in monologue is ridiculous. Unlike most “discussions” and brainstorming sessions that I have participated in, the Chinese business meeting usually consists of one person on a nonsensical rant going though all the emotion and inflictions as if in a heated discussion, except that no one else in participating in the conversation (unless they are on their cell phone taking to someone else -no joke). These sessions go on for hours at a time with so many contractions from one monologue to the next until finally the main guy, usually the CEO, has his chance to pontificate. In the end, everything that was said by the others means nothing. Only the CEOs word matters.

As a designer you can’t question or disagree with any of the convoluted rants even if they are riddled with contradictions. This way no one loses “face” (this is definitely another topic because I just don’t get it). All we can do is simply compile all that was said and decipher as best you can and come up with something that is close to what the last guy said.

Anyway, I totally digressed and just lived a “moment” that happened a few days ago. Back to the cell phone thing. Nico’s explanation is that the Chinese (especially the older generation) were used to using such bad quality telephones that they always had to yell. Good Explanation but I don’t buy it. The reason I don’t buy it is because not only are all the kids frickin’ yelling into their phones but everyone old and young has their ring tone put on the highest volume setting. It’s fucking annoying!

Personally I think it’s an amalgam of things all which seem very contradictory. First I think it’s the “Look at me” syndrome. Look how important I am, I’m on the cell phone…yippee! I really believe that the Chinese view cell phone like Los Angelinos view their cars. It’s an extension of who they are. A manifestation of their personality and some sort of convoluted self perception.

Then I think there’s this self entitlement that stems from the Cultural Revolution and one of its resultants: the one child policy. The one child policy is very evident as social policy that backfired. In fact, the local Chinese themselves admit that this is a major problem. Most feel that they are raising a generation of spoiled uber-brats!

The one child policy might just be China’s Achilles heel. I mean, when a 30 old man still lives with his parents and refuses to drink milk unless his mother opens the carton and pours it in a glass for him (true story BTW) you know that there is a serious problem here. This same 30 year old man has asked his parents to come out of retirement so they can help him buy a house. I mean’s it’s ridiculous but it seems like the norm here.

From a socio-economic perspective, there’s this issue of having an overpopulation of men and not enough women. There are so many intrinsic issues here that I’ll have to address this when I’m not writing about cell phones. The one child policy has also created a reverse bell curve of not having the population to generate the man labor and the tax base to support an aging yet rapidly growing country.

I know I went so many directions in this blog (ala “attention deficit” Vic) but it all comes back to that individual that is literally screaming into the phone or being so self absorbed in a business meeting. Personally every time I hear a LOUD cell phone ring or someone opens their mouth, I see it as a cry for self definition in a place where no one perceives themselves as an individual. Its either that or it’s a population of frustrated undersexed spoiled brats trying to reign in the fastest growing economy in the world? I see Big Trouble in Little China…..

Damn Mouse!

Everyone that I’ve spoke to that is from another country but living and working in Shanghai said the same thing when we first got here. Everyone agreed that Shanghai is an amazing city but if you don’t get out of dodge every quarter, this city will drive you crazy. The hustle and bustle and shear amount of people in Shanghai will inevitably drive you batty.

Christina and I were at that junction last month. Well, I should clarify that more; Christina was way more ready than I to get outta dodge than I was. She wanted to get as far away and to a place as polarized from China as we could get. Being the super genius that I am I initially chose another Communist (well former Communist) country in Russia. It’s probably a good thing we couldn’t get our visas in time because that could have been a disaster if it turned out to be similar to China.

Anyway, we opted to go to Prague. The choice could not have been a better one…..oh my goodness the city is beautiful! For those of you that have never been there and want to take a vacation and seem like you are in another world, The Czech Republic is the place to visit.

You see Prague (Praha) is one of the very few cities that was not destroyed in World War II. As I understand its history; after the meeting in Munich in 1938, the Allies pretty much threw the Czech Republic to Hitler as a gimme. Hitler in turn fell in love with the city that he never destroyed it. In addition the Allies never got around to bombing it (I guess they used all their bombs in Dresden). A few decades after the war, The Czech Republic falls into the hands of Communism via Russia.

It seems that all its misfortunes have somehow become blessings. By not being destroyed in WWII and being preserved by the State during Communist rule, The Czech Republic and more specifically Prague has ironically retained much of its original charm via culture, art and architecture. In fact, there are movements in art and architecture that never made its way out of Eastern Europe because of its closed society. The city is an eclectic combination of Medieval Castles and Churches, Art Nuevo and Deco buildings with random structures from esoteric movements like Rodo-Cubism. It all works well though. Everything is so beautiful and it is all linked with these charming pedestrian cobblestone streets. Combined with the beautiful colors of the fall foliage the city feels like you are living in a fairly tale. Not to mention the people are beautiful too.....just like princes and princesses! The best part though is that they drink like fish. I believe they consume the most beer in the world per capita!

The pictures I’ve attached best represent what I thought Prague was but I think Christina would beg to differ. The pictures however do no justice to really how beautiful the place is. There is one thing that kind of ruined everything for me (just a bit). Disneyland! You see walking along the narrow meandering cobblestones streets with the spires of the Castles and Churches in the background and cafes with cute flowers on the window sills at every turn, all I could think of was the damn Magic Kingdom in Disneyland!

Damn Mouse!!!…..I curse the Mouse!!!!!....sorry Rich….