Drive by Shanghai Style

Yesterday I was cruising along on my little scooter when this dude and his girlfriend on and LPG scooter (an LPG scooter is a propane powered ride so it’s a lot faster than my little electric number) rolls up on my left and launches this big fat snot rocket. This big fat lugie just misses me and nails my left fender. I’m like….”what the F-*K!!! But I was so shaken by this that I was frozen for a second. When I finally realized what this jerk off just did, my instincts from the old neighborhood kicked in (LA drive by Shanghai style).

He was about 25 feet ahead of me and pulling away because my “dian ping che” can only go so fast. Anyway, I put the throttle as far back as I could and let Darling Delilah do her thing. I started weaving in and out of bikes and little old ladies chasing this dude. I knew I couldn’t catch him on pure speed but I thought I might have the chance to nail him a stop light.

Up ahead the light turns red and I’m like great…..I got you now sucker! So I start working on a nice one. I pull from the depths of my diaphragm. I pull so hard that it rattles my tongue as I create a vacuum in my esophagus that pulls up this nice juicy mound of yellow/green mucous that mixes nice with my coffee infused saliva. It’s so ripe that my salivary glands start to water.

As I approach him I have this huge smile on my face thinking about the satisfaction I’m going to get by painting the side of his scooter with this wonderful concoction of saliva, mucous and probably some stuff left over from the dumplings I had the night before.

I slowly move in for the kill then right before I’m about to let it fly, he bolts! What! The damn light is still red! Damn you! Now what I do with lump of goo in my mouth? Do I swallow it or chase in down with it swishing around.

I finally decide to waste it and spit it out. Man, that sucks, that was a good one. I lay down the throttle again and the race is on once again. We get caught up in a jam in an intersection and in this mess I somehow end up in front of him. After we leave the intersection we both end up on a straight away and although I can’t see him I can hear him. Unlike my electric scooter which is dead silent, LPG’s make a lot of noise. The sound of his particular scooter was now burned into my subconscious.

He was to my left but a little ways back. I could hear and feel it. I started working on hocking up my second lugie. This time I channeled the frustration of my first loss into this one and pulled up an even nicer one. Along will all the goodies of the first one I think I conjured up some extra particulate matter like nose hairs in this little gem.

I throttled down so he would catch up to me. I could hear the high pitched whining of his LPG and the annoying sounding of his girlfriend yapping incessantly on her cell phone coming ever so close. Closer…closer…closer… I turn left…THWOOP…I let it fly…SPPPLATTT!!! Bullseye…right on the leg!!!! ….Oh shit!....I nailed the wrong guy!

Right before I turned to spit, some old dude on a bicycle came between me and my lugie nemesis! I heard the old dude scream….AYIIIEEE!!! As soon as I realized what happened I banked right into an alley and took off.

I felt terrible but somehow all the anxiety and anger that I had towards that dude was gone. I think I left it on some old dudes pant leg and shoe.

Out there in streets of Shanghai there’s an old dude on a rusty bike with goop dripping off his right pant leg cruising around looking for retribution.